Gods Day

Bath taken, hair curled, clothes layed out for church today and I cannot wait. Sundays are that special to me. We laugh and we hug I am with friends and God smiles. I have no pains or problems in his house. And though sometimes I cry, they are always tears of joy. He has taken me dowwn so many roads and always done so with a gentle hand in guidance. He has made so many changes in me in the last two years or should I say he has allowed me to face myself and make a change. Sometimes life scares me and when that happens I EAT. It's a buffer to keep the world away BUT God just keeps saying,"Come on, you can do it." and I have found in time with all I have in me...I can make it because I BELIEVE. For this and my many other blessings I am thankful and give thanks. Once again my rest is done. The journey must begin again . The map is in my hand. Through my resting and turmoil my friends have been right there, often just to listen to my questions......why, why, why is always the question....Though they are spread all over the United States, they are always only a phone call away....I am so blessed. To all that read this rambling, I wish you health and happiness on this Sunday, GODS DAY......Love Pokie

2012

I'm taking no risks this year when I usher in 2012. I'm crossing all the T's and dotting all the I's. The world is in bad enough shape without me forgetting something like black eyed peas New Year's Day and salt over the shoulder. If I had a "Blarney Stone", I would kiss it. Hopefully, by this time next year, I will be a lot lighter and have gained more movement and less pain in my arms.I have been told that if I can't see it I can't achieve it. I can both see AND taste it. Somewhere there has to be a way to stop the progression of this disease.....with every taste of success, it takes something new away. It's rather like a spoiled little kid at play saying, "If you don't play my way I will go home." I would love to say to the bully, "Go on home, I don't like you anyway." but I just would view that as giving up and something deep inside me will not let me do that. Sometimes I feel a rush of total fear when I step off a curb and my ankles pop or feel stiff. I almost scream this prayer..."Please Lord not them,too"..After both knees and one hip and now the shoulders....I am I am running out of doctors who believe I will recover. The eye opener this year was when a surgeon told me he just wouldn't try it because he didn't believe he could increase my range of movement that much...Does he not realize that anything is better than nothing? I watched a lady on Dr.Oz say she would like to die because she could no longer lift her arms and she was in a wheelchair. Well my surgery is the last of March and I BELIEVE even though the thought of recovery time makes me sick at my stomach. I look at it this way, though. If God hadn't wanted me to try it, He would not have presented it to me.....This has turned into something far more serious than I wanted. I KNOW that 2012 will be an eye opener and a cure will be closer than ever before. Years ago there was no such thing as a reverse cup shoulder replacement. Now that is the thing for PD patients...so off I go to "meet the wizard, the wonderful wizard of OZ" Have a wonderful New Year and may you be ever so blessed in many ways and please don't forget to give thanks to your creator...love ya....Pokie

A SPECIAL SUNDAY

Now, I know, full well, that one of the first questions they ask Parkinson's patients is, "Do you see or hear things that other people don't see or hear?".....but, let me tell you my 9:00am Sunday experience on the way to church. I had been up since 6:00am getting ready for a very special Christmas service at 10:00am and decided to go on into town(6 miles)to get a special coffee for a special day from Mickey D's. I got in line and checked my billfold and it WAS empty. So I decided I had plenty of time I would go back home and find my money. I am going back through town, when I notice flashing lights in my rear view mirror. GREAT....my day is not going well and I am just trying to get to church for Christmas services. I start to pull over and realize a motorcycle.....a BRIGHT yellow motorcycle with s Santa in full dress, hat and all aboard. This was not funny enough. Around here at Halloween you see witches that look like they were looking in the other direction and flew into a telephone pole. Well this was an elf and his misfortune was the back of this motorcycle.....(GOOD MEDS,HUH?) Well, for almost 6 miles I flashed my lights at on coming vehicles as he followed. We parted ways at my road and I honked goodbye. When I got home, I could not find my money so I decided I should try to make church anyway so all would not be lost. As I am driving back I glance at my purse and my billfold is sticking out so I take a second look ......$30 dollars was sitting where (I SWEAR) nothing was before. I made it to church on time as usual and the service was very moving and serious.......though I had this feeling that God was once again having quite the chuckle at me.....Merry Christmas and love to all....Pokie

Nothing Important

Sometimes it takes a lot to slow down a mule. At six o'clock I took a half a Xanex and thought sleep would come soon. Eleven and I am still going so I took the other half, and here I am. I hate it when I get like this. I've been to church today and cooked a roast; stopped by to visit with my oldest daughter and took a nap; wrote a poem, read and prayed. I would love to just get in my car and drive but no place, really to go . I would say this is a form of depression or what we use to call "The Hebby-geebies" Usually insecurities start this and it is a fast down hill road. Surely this will end soon when I just pass out. Christmas falls on a weekend this year and SS and pension all come that week too.....I bet the stores will be crazy.....they are about that way now. Well enough of this..............I'm going to try it again. Wish me luck.....Pokie

New Roads With Old Friends

 One of my friends had ankle surgery today in Colorado.  I have thought about her all day.  Knowing she was tough, I knew God would guide her to a good end.  He did and she is at home, ahead of a snow storm and quite happy (so far)  with all she came in contact with.  She has already had DBS surgery and had some real scary times for awhile. I am wondering, in all this, if doctors in general realize just how tough you have to be to have PD.  You as a patient face constant rejection from people who don't understand you and don't want to take the time to understand.  No wonder we find so much backing on the Internet in friends with the same problems.  You soon learn you are the only one you can depend on and on some days, you are "iffy" too. I now understand why God says everything comes full circle in life.  I use to appreciate color but nothing like now .....yellows glow. as does sunshine....A kiss is never in passing, it's with passion as if were your last ......teddy bears are to sleep with again.....and fuzzy blankets really get softer and softer...No glance from someone goes unnoticed.  And any loud noise is confusing and disturbing  when as an "old hippy" many hours were spent in very loud musical events. I have wasted so much time yet have accomplished so much .  One of my prouder accomplishments is my family which I raised on my own and never thought another thing about it.  Now I see how many things I thought were so important didn't mean a thing and a lot of the very important things I didn't see until much later.

  Now I must muster all my strength and beliefs and start again.  I feel God is asking more of me than I know or will know for sometime.  I must just proceed in blind faith and listen to what he says...INTENTLY.....We are never to old to travel a new road with old fiends ...Wish me well in my new adventures as you will see even more of me than before....but maybe a little wiser and faster..love ya pokie

BUT HOW LORD?

Once again in my life I feel the need to try and dance. This feeling often has gotten me into trouble and it could do that once again. I feel the need to get off to myself and re-establish a relationship with the inner me that thrives on constant contact with My Lord. I have had this nagging feeling for over a year that God wants to move me. I don't seem to be able to concentrate and there is something inside of me I need to write or say. I may be listening too hard to hear what he is saying. Since October of 2007 I have written poems, stories, letters ,songs and just nonsense about my life and feelings. Sometimes happy thoughts and sometimes sad but always lots of thoughts and then all of a sudden I turned inside and closed up. This probably seems very unimportant but I WAS making a difference and people were listening. I knew what it was to be in pain, or need a friend.......I was there. I still have those days but somehow feel like I am not suppose to. My ability to turn the other cheek when criticized, has decreased to the point that I often just feel like I need to give up and stop fighting. This is so not me and has never been me. Often in the bottom of that bucket, I can find so much self pity that I feed on it for days, knowing full well just how very blessed I am to even be walking. This is not a terminal feeling simply because I will not let it be. I have always thought that the cure for many neurological disorders lies in the understanding of Parkinson's. The trouble being......each one of us is so different from the next and they(doctors) have always wanted to say "Ah, PD take this and get over dreaming it's a down hill road and your doomed." No, I refuse to believe it though I do know that you seems to get through one phase and the next one comes on full blast.....Will I be able to work my way through this? Who knows...Only God. I can hear him telling me that he makes the decisions and I am suppose to give up when he tells me the dance is over. I really don't know but feel by Christmas I will know.....My life has been such a miracle each day lately...how can I doubt and doubting I am not ...BUT HOW LORD......surely with faith...... love, pokie

TEN FOLD

How many things do you return home to at night that really, REALLY care? If your lucky it is a sole mate who greets you with a smile and loves that special feeling only you can bring into their immediate surroundings. Some of us are not lucky enough to have a soul mate or have lost them somewhere along the way BUT have an animal of some sort who seems to think their life begins when you walk in the front door. You never get to old to feel this love and when you cannot find it, that is true loneliness. My cat, Boo-Bear has been with me for several years and honestly believes I am his, since I am all he remembers. My granddaughter brought him home to me when he was half the size of my hand.....I never thought I would save him since he barely had his eyes open. Now years later, he is a huge tom cat. He delights in greeting me by jumping on my chest when I sit down and putting his long arms around my neck and purrs this congested kind of purr and closes his eyes in bliss as I tell him I love him and put him down. I have been fortunate to have always had someone or something around to welcome me home this way. Your kids and family do this in early years but as you get older and the world speeds up and we slow down, they never seem to be there or have their own tight circle around them. Some of us or so fortunate to know that warm feeling from a very close love one and some of us or not. Some take that some one for granted or just never cared in the first place and end up just living for the convenience of it all. I think the statement is sometimes made, "It's too late to change or what's the use." There is always a need to strive for the best whether you are 60 or 20 or 90 0r 40. That cat will never be left behind in a move. Just as in moving my family will not be left behind.....I'll always be there to listen.....and that sole mate .....I will never be too old for a hug or to hold hands whether we are walking or not. My thought in all this rambling is.....if you have that special connection hold on to it.....God presented it to you. If you are alone get out and be there for someone else......what you give will come back to you ten fold. Love you always, Pokie

A Year Ago and Today

I openly admit to the fact that I am in the final quarter of the game, BUT thank you Lord for calling me off the bench and into the game. A year ago today I was in NYC with the Parkinson Unity Walk with many of my friends from Patientslikeme.com. I was in a wheel chair and 65 pounds heavier. My hair was grey and for all intents and purposes, really thought I was headed rapidly to meet my maker face to face. As for last year, in April, I went to NYC, I was working on quilts for PDF, running three blogs, taking care of my 87 year old mom and decided to fall in love....I had my right hip replaced, got contacts, some new teeth and cloths and dropped out of sight to almost everyone. For this I my apologize......My team at the walk last year came in 13th place and collected around $15,000.00 for research....but as I changed within, I could no longer put all of me before the general public like before. A total makeover is a scary thing to go through, both inside and out and the continual fatigue and pain from Parkinson's never let up. No longer was it all about my chronic diseases and those who shared them with me.....it was me desperately trying to relearn how to love and be the healthiest I could be to recover and recover I did. I hit the road Monday with the old passion and then some...The fire is back in my eyes, hopefully for good . My love is the best, as are my friends who have helped me through this with wisdom and patience. Often they had to tell me things I didn't want to hear but I knew they were right. Tuesday I went to a symposium in Effingham , Ill. It was at the last minute and on dimincia and it was awesome. Dr Kuhn spoke at one of the breakouts and I made so many new friends....exchanged hugs and stories of encouragement. Wednesday we had our Lenten luncheon at church and once again it was awesome. Some of the things I wrote down in my notebook to remember were these: Jesus is the Lamb of God and the Good Sheppard. We can not hide from him. He can always find us...whether we think we need to be found or not. Our bodies are a temple, a house of prayer and we need to treat it as such. Our mouths need to be open and telling the story for all to hear. Jesus chose the downward demotion instead of up. He lowered himself to servitude and ultimately went to the cross for us. In all of this I had the thought. Who is keeping me from being the House of Prayer that my Lord wants? It's Me. I ask to be healed and he answered, "You Are.... Have faith, You are.' In this past eleven months, every sermon I heard, every passage I read in my "Gift Bible" was aimed toward my makeover and when I lost my way or did not understand he furnished me someone to explain and when I stub bled, I felt him giggle. Thursday I opened my email to the statement that the very first person I went to visit after being diagnose with PD was to have DBS surgery in St.Louis on Friday. Joanie is a woman of faith and a true inspiration. She knows her maker and is not afraid to let the world know who she is and what she thinks.......Praise the Lord for that. I hurried up and took off for STL with PLM's 2009 Unity Quilt, hoping to have it on her bed when she returned from surgery......Not knowing what I would find, I prayed the whole way there that I not cry when I saw her. There where 98 tornadoes that evening in our area BUT my Miss Joanie was perfect.....sitting up in bed and smiling. Alert and even walking back and forth in the hall. We talked about three hours and I left her with the quilt on her bed for comfort from all who had had a part in it. I left there ready to concur the world and what did I hear on my radio in the car? Bob Seger's "Beautiful Loser. A loser I am not, nor beautiful but I had set MY goals and they were not GOD'S goals. It's time to start listening better and as my grand kids say, "Get over it." The game is playing and we COULD WIN....Just get off the bench and join the game........love ya always Pokie

Making the Most of Everything.....

I know everyone if so tired of hearing about the economy and how bad things are. I am more tired of hearing how the government is going to fix it for us. Why must we wait on them to spend more of our money and we reap less return. I am not talking finances but I am talking things we can do for our own well being and contentment that can make a big difference in our lives. We as Americans have so much and for some have Had so much and are losing it. Take a look around you. Say you are a senior citizen, in a small apartment on limited income and see few visitors. I will call you Jane for today. Jane has a sunny window in her living room that faces nowhere but the sun. In front of that window Jane could position a small table and saving fast food containers or other containers that holes can be punched in the bottom for drainage. Scavenger up some dirt from areas around you. It won't take much and if you drink coffee ....save your coffee grounds. get you some cheap seeds. They are being marked down now..thinking the season is over BUT you can play around with this all winter. My mother saves a salad tomato plant all winter last year and we enjoyed fresh tomatoes ever so often. Try lettuce and onions, herbs maybe some small flowers. Nurture these plants and their surroundings and when you harvest for a meal, make it a special affair. It's only Jane in this apartment and I have it on authority she talks to her plants and waters them daily, in return they keep her busy year around. If you have excess for one, freeze it and take it out later for soup. My grandpa use to tells us to pull up our boot straps which coming from him meant "toughen up and make things work for you." I know this is sorry times for seniors and many, many of my friends are suffering daily. But we baby boomers come from good stock and can make good if we set our mind to it. Don't be afraid to try. love always Pokie

Is The World Watching????

This morning around 10:00 a young man called me and wanted advice on how I thought the government was going. Poor soul, I am sure he was not prepared for the conversation that followed. He ask me what was the one thing he could do to make me happy with my government and my answer was.... leave my social security alone. Don't be thinking it can in anyway pay off the deficit and while he was at it leave the seniors alone. Was he aware that there were seniors out here taking their medication every other day because they cannot afford it on a daily bases or because they were sharing their medication with someone who does not have or cannot afford medication. This is not right. This is America. Supposedly the world looks up to us but our heroes are being left behind to fall helplessly through the cracks and who cares. These same seniors are the founders and first caretakers of our country. We could get by on little just to be able to say we were Americans. We should not have to want for a thing in our old age we made this country. Does it make since to take from some one who already has nothing to pay off a deficit that they didn't make in the first place. Why is the person, much younger and with an income(INCOMING MONEY)not made accountable.....it looks like it is because we are not able to speak up for ourselves and who cares we are close to dying anyway....Don't think so. I plan to be around a long time and I don't like the idea of someone who spent his life time in the halls of Congress deciding me and my friends should spend our remaining years strapped for funds. We are the foundation of this country. We can and will make due BUT we shouldn't have too. I have worked HARD ALL MY LIFE to get where I am and I can go without better than most. I can stretch something to eat and make it taste good far beyond the limit..I know what living on the high side and low side and totally without side is. Everything going on in this United States, today, is about the almighty dollar. It appears to me no heart is involved. Is the World watching? Hell yes they are. Am I scared..Hell yes I am...How far away is 2012 and what are we doing to stop the tide.....looks like to me we are just pouring oil on it...Sorry, in some circles this is called "Pokie on a box." If I have offended I'm sorry but enough is about to be enough...love always Pokie