BUT HOW LORD?

Once again in my life I feel the need to try and dance. This feeling often has gotten me into trouble and it could do that once again. I feel the need to get off to myself and re-establish a relationship with the inner me that thrives on constant contact with My Lord. I have had this nagging feeling for over a year that God wants to move me. I don't seem to be able to concentrate and there is something inside of me I need to write or say. I may be listening too hard to hear what he is saying. Since October of 2007 I have written poems, stories, letters ,songs and just nonsense about my life and feelings. Sometimes happy thoughts and sometimes sad but always lots of thoughts and then all of a sudden I turned inside and closed up. This probably seems very unimportant but I WAS making a difference and people were listening. I knew what it was to be in pain, or need a friend.......I was there. I still have those days but somehow feel like I am not suppose to. My ability to turn the other cheek when criticized, has decreased to the point that I often just feel like I need to give up and stop fighting. This is so not me and has never been me. Often in the bottom of that bucket, I can find so much self pity that I feed on it for days, knowing full well just how very blessed I am to even be walking. This is not a terminal feeling simply because I will not let it be. I have always thought that the cure for many neurological disorders lies in the understanding of Parkinson's. The trouble being......each one of us is so different from the next and they(doctors) have always wanted to say "Ah, PD take this and get over dreaming it's a down hill road and your doomed." No, I refuse to believe it though I do know that you seems to get through one phase and the next one comes on full blast.....Will I be able to work my way through this? Who knows...Only God. I can hear him telling me that he makes the decisions and I am suppose to give up when he tells me the dance is over. I really don't know but feel by Christmas I will know.....My life has been such a miracle each day lately...how can I doubt and doubting I am not ...BUT HOW LORD......surely with faith...... love, pokie